


If I’ve Got the Bananas, Who is Getting Us Out of Here?

by merlins_sister



Category: Doctor Who, Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Crossover, Gen, Humour
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-09-24
Updated: 2011-09-24
Packaged: 2017-10-24 00:32:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/256857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merlins_sister/pseuds/merlins_sister
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John, Rodney and Ronon trying to escape from a Hive with ‘help’ from the Doctor and Donna.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Developed from a discussion with sakuracorr which has got out of control. I will say that I ignore the resolution to Donna’s condition in Journey’s End. Ten has been no good without her.

If it wasn’t for the fact that they were stuck on a Wraith ship, and that there was a banana where his gun used to be John would be quite enjoying the exchange in front of him. He still wasn’t clear where the man and the woman had come from but they seemed to be on his side so he wasn’t too worried about asking questions at the moment. Rodney though had other ideas.

“What do you mean you don’t know why it’s parked there?!” Rodney exploded. “I thought you said you were good at temporal issues.”

“I am,” replied the other man who said he was just called Doctor. Rodney, in his usual attempt at academic one upmanship, had tried to find out what he was a doctor in, but hadn’t got anywhere. The only result had been a smile on the woman’s face. John got the sense she had seen this sort of exchange before. He also recognised the skill of underselling your intelligence when he saw it.

“Sheppard!”

It took a moment for John to realise Rodney had turned his frustrations on to him.

“What?” John asked as calmly as he could.

“His ship is parked over ours. We are stuck here unless you can do something... military.” The hand wave that accompanied the last word told John where Rodney was in his opinion of the options available to them. Probably rewriting his last will and testament in his head again.

“Rodney, I have a banana where my gun used to be,” John replied. “I think this problem is definitely one for the scientists.”

“Always excuses,” Rodney growled before turning back to the Doctor who was walking around his ship, a large blue box unbelievably, waving the same sonic device that had changed his gun to a banana.

“I don’t understand it,” the Doctor said, sounding genuinely confused. “She isn’t responding to me at all.”

“Yes, yes,” Rodney replied impatiently. “Temporal displacement. I thought we had agreed that.”

The woman, Donna, moved closer to the Doctor. “But she always responds to you.” Donna glanced at John. “I swear I have never felt more like a gooseberry with a man and his machine as with these two.”

The Doctor glanced over his black rimmed glasses at her. “Well, she’s never behaved like this until she started getting input from your mind as well.”

“That’s right, blame me,” she huffed. “Let’s not forget the little reason I have that ability... oh yes, metacrisis and saving the universe. Not to mention saving your skinny arse in the process.”

“Metacrisis?” John asked before he could regret the possible answer.

“Biological exchange of life energy,” the Doctor replied. “There can be some side effects.”

“Tell me about it,” replied Donna, though, John noticed, not with any rancour. “Like sharing my mind with those two.” She jerked a finger at the Doctor and the blue box.

“You have a telepathic link with your ship?” John asked, intrigued at the possibility.

“It’s complicated,” replied the Doctor.

“And not working,” Rodney added.

“Yes... no... “ The Doctor looked puzzled for a moment. “But I can still sense her.” He looked quizzically at Donna.

“Still crowded in here,” she confirmed.

“So, she can’t be that far from our temporal reality, just not close enough for us to get access,” the Doctor said, putting the sonic device into his jacket pocket. “Curious.”

“Curious!” exclaimed Rodney. “We are stuck on a ship full of life sucking aliens, with our only means of escape blocked by your temporally stuck ship, and our only means of defence now good with ice cream. I am more than a little curious.”

“Yes,” replied too he Doctor. “Quite intriguing, isn’t it.”

Rodney opened his mouth, and then closed it again. Even for him there seemed to be no answer to such a comment.

“Could it be something on this ship is causing the problem?” John asked, almost taking a step back when three sets of eyes snapped to him, looks of surprise on their faces when they realised that he may have hit on the problem.

“Control panel,” Rodney and The Doctor said in unison, and started to charge off down the corridor.

“Hold on!” Donna exclaimed. “How do you expect us all to get passed the life sucking aliens around here?” She gestured to John. “You’ve left him with a banana, remember?”

“Ah, right,” replied The Doctor. “Could be an issue.”

“Then I’ll just have to help,” a voice rumbled from behind them.

“Ronon!” Rodney exclaimed. “What happened to us sending you off in the last dart?”

The large Satedan shrugged slightly. “Decided to stay.”

John wasn’t paying that much attention to the conversation, his eyes taken by Ronon’s holster.

“Why isn’t his blaster a banana?” he demanded of the Doctor.

“It’s got a stun setting,” he replied simply before turning his eyes on the Satedan. “You may find it locked on that for a while.”

Ronon didn’t look happy at this news but didn’t utter any protests. John thought it was probably a good thing that the Doctor wasn’t telepathically linked to Ronon though.

“Right then,” the Doctor grinned. “Control panel. Come on, Rodney. This will be fun.”

“Oh hilarious,” Rodney sighed. “I love saving everyone from life threatening situations.”

“I should think so. You do it often enough,” the Doctor replied enigmatically, Donna’s grin adding to the uncertain look on Rodney’s face.

Rodney glanced back at John who just shrugged. As he started to follow the scientists down the corridor John reached for his banana. He broke it open and took a defiant bite out of it.

“Don’t look so smug,” he growled at Ronon as the Satedan took up point behind him. “Just be thankful he didn’t turn your blaster into an orange or something.”

“Yeah, that could have been sticky,” Ronon replied completely deadpan.

Not for the first time John wondered which deity in the universe he had pissed off enough to have ended up in these situations. With a deep sigh he headed back off into the Hive.


	2. Chapter 2

They had found a control panel in record time. John didn’t know if that was because Rodney had been held captive on a Wraith ship one too many times, or whether it was because the Doctor had some sort of tech radar inside of him. Either way it hadn’t sped up the argument about what they should do once they had got there.

John sighed. There was gesticulating, and a great deal of disagreement between the scientists about what they were reading. John considered trying to enter the discussion and mediating some decision before deciding he had no idea what they were talking about so would only get confused. Ronon was prowling up and down the corridor with his non-banana blaster, waiting for the Wraith to get their house in order and find them. John had finished eating his banana and had put the skin in his holster. It didn’t make it feel any better, the holster feeling as empty as before.

“Is he always like this?” Donna asked, wandering back to John from her place near the control panel.

John considered the red face of his scientist, gesticulations and random technical phrases.

“Pretty much,” John replied. “Yours?”

She considered the Doctor. “He has had similar moments,” she said with a smile.

“Do you ever understand what he’s going on about?” John asked as more phrases from the technical discussion made their way over. He looked at her in surprise when he caught the slightest shadow flash across her face. When she realised he had caught sight of that she replied, “I would have once.”

John waited quietly, knowing more would come. And although he trusted the two strangers as much as he could, the instinct to gather intelligence never went away. After a few moments his patience was rewarded.

“The metacrisis initially gave me everything he had... intelligence, knowledge, everything. But my poor old puny human brain couldn’t take it all, so once the crisis was over the Doctor drained what he could away.” She sighed. “If he hadn’t I would have been over there helping.”

“If I hadn’t,” came the Doctor’s voice from behind the control panel, “you would have died. I was never going to let that happen.” His head appeared. “And you do not have a puny brain, just different.”

Donna smiled at her companion’s reassurance, and John suddenly had a sense of how recent this experience had been. He didn’t think it would be good to point out the bit the Doctor had left in her brain, her bond with him, because he had no doubt either of them had any issues with that.

“You wouldn’t want to be a scientist,” Ronon’s voice rumbled from behind. “Too much talk, not enough action.”

John was about to chide him for his impatience, when it was Rodney’s turn to appear from behind the panel. “Oh yes, because my genius hasn’t saved your butt more times than you’ve had blue jello.”

Ronon grinned as he wandered on passed, swinging his blaster in what John considered a very smug way as he walked.

John decided that pacing would be a good solution to not having a gun and started to walk up and down the corridor. He was surprised when Donna fell in beside him. At his questioning look she said, “I’m never sure what I am waiting for; the solution or the latest crisis. Either way, not good to have to stay still.”

John smiled. “I can relate to that.”

They turned at the end of the corridor, returning the other way, passing Ronon with his blaster, and just about meeting the other end of the corridor when there was a cry of “Yes!” from the Doctor.

John and Donna double timed it back to the control panel.

“Yes, what?” he asked of Rodney.

“Found the interference,” Rodney replied with grin. “We just need to...”

“No,” interrupted the Doctor. “Move that one over there.”

Rodney reared up. “Who knows more about Wraith technology, hmm?”

“I think we’re about even,” the Doctor replied evenly.

John could see another argument brewing so stepped in closer. “Mckay, Doctor, can we argue credentials once we get back to Atlantis?” He pointed to Ronon. “One blaster remember.”

“Good point,” replied the Doctor before Rodney could carry on, or notice the movement of the crystal.

“There,” the Doctor said with a grin. “One temporal interference sorted, and one Tardis released.”

John was sure the sound of the alarm that greeted his statement wasn’t exactly the response he was looking for.

John glanced at Donna.

“There was an air of inevitability about that,” she said with a sigh. She reached forward to grab the Doctor’s hand. “Come on, spaceman. Time to get those lanky legs of yours going again.”

As they took off back towards the ships John gestured for Rodney to follow. He had a definite look of distraction about him.

“Come on, McKay,” John said firmly.

“Amateurs,” Rodney muttered as self preservation kicked in over protest. With a quick glance to make sure Ronon was behind John picked up his own pace to follow the others.

Even with the alarm the corridors were free of Wraith, until, with that same air of inevitability they turned the last corner. To be fair the Wraith seemed as surprised to see them heading for a blue box, as they had obviously been to find it, which allowed an element of surprise. Ronon blasted two of the guards into unconsciousness before the third made a charge at the group. With a speed of thinking that John would not outwardly admit any pride of he grabbed the banana skin and threw it in front of the charging Wraith. The Wraith skidded, lost control of his feet and flew up in the air. A blast from Ronon made sure the guard wasn’t aware of the ground as he hit it.

“I do not believe you just did that!” Rodney exclaimed.

“I do,” said the Doctor with a big grin. “Excellent pincer movement, gentlemen.”

“Thanks,” John replied. “We have our moments.”

“Time for one of ours,” the Doctor said, pointing towards charging Wraith coming down the corridor. “Everyone into the Tardis!”

“What about the puddle jumper?” Rodney asked as John pushed him to follow the Doctor and Donna.

“This will be quicker and safer, Rodney,” the Doctor cried from the entrance to his ship. “Trust me.”

“Oh, I hate it when people say that,” Rodney groaned before doing as suggested and following their two new companions into the blue box.

“What do you think, Sheppard?” Ronon asked, his eyes on the impending Wraith, his blaster working quickly.

“I think we have no choice,” John said simply before he too turned to enter the blue box, the door quickly closing behind the two of them.


End file.
